I don’t remember contemplating my purpose nearly as much as I’ve done recently. There’s a fine line between this and having a full blown existential crisis. Believe me, I’ve crossed the line a few times. This goes back to the original theme of my blog: am I just a speck of dust in this vast universe whose actions and decisions are meaningless? There’s so many of us, surely we can’t all be special. Therefore by definition, the vast majority of us are simply average.
Living for someone else
One of the things I’ve learnt in my late twenties is to relinquish control, or more realistic, the sense of control that I think I have. Because you see, when you think you don’t have control, you start to unravel. One of the things you definitely don’t have control over, is someone else. There’s so much to unpack here but essentially, we pair up with someone else with a mutual agreement that we’ll love, cherish and hold that person forever and forever amen. Or is it til death do us part? I’m not married, so I’ve no idea. But you can’t control that other person, and so if they wake up and change their minds, you’re f*cked, pardon my french.
When this happened to me, I lost control over my life. I unravelled. It led me to start pondering what the purpose of my life was. Before, it was clear. My purpose was to live for this other someone. We would tick all the boxes of the rites of passage: buy a house, get married, have some kids, go on holidays and live happily ever after. My purpose was to be a girlfriend, then a wife, then a mother. I would spend my life devoted to this other purpose and to these kids. That for me, was winning at life.
So many questions
So I did lose everything. Including my sanity for a while. And when I finally resurfaced and was able to find happiness in myself, the questions started. What is the point of me? What have I done that I can call an achievement? Have I helped enough people? Am I doing enough now?
It’s okay to keep questioning
I’m still searching for my purpose but not as primary goal of life. I am accepting that living is enough. I find purpose in everyday life. The monotonous everyday is my purpose. I must live a life as humanly as I can. And for my own peace of mind, as kindly as I can. But it’s okay to keep asking yourself everyday if you’re living your life as you should. There’s no answer. It’s just a check we must do in order to keep track of everything. We self evaluate, and we improve. We refine our purpose, and we evolve.